Unemployment Watch Day 26: Clothing for the Social Phobia Clusterfuck Apocalypse

I currently live in the suddenly booming city of Portland Oregon. I moved here from the much larger city of New York about five years ago to escape my family and to naively be with my then boyfriend. That guy is dead now (dead to me anyway!) but I had already started building my new life in Portland and wasn't ready to bail out. Don't get me wrong I love it here, but anyone that has lived here for two or more years can tell you Portland is damn small. Despite boasting the title of "bridge city" one can find it very easy to burn every variable bridge, crossing, and rope-swing-over-a-ditch within a swift six month period. Additionally Portland's brand of pacific northwest passivity passed as "politeness" means you won't actually find out about those fires until months, even years later. This physical and emotional smallness has made any sort of social life an actual hells-scape. It's laden with potential land mines waiting around the corner at every grocery store and friend's friend's party. Lucky for you lovely arrested navel gazing headaches my east coast take charge attitude has not completely left me. This combined with Portland's "D.I.Y" spirit has moved me to come up with a solution that is not only functional but fashionable. 

Presenting the new fall line of my Social Awareness clothing brand. These products are designed to cut down on awkward miscommunication in any uncomfortable situation. Wear it on the bus!

"We Went On One, Date Don't Be So Weird" poly blend t-shirt

Anyone who has ever participated in online dating knows that there is a lot of chafe to get through before you can get to the slightly less creepy-yet-somehow-still-totally-boring-but-they-are-nice-so-whatever wheat. Most grown people are smart enough to realize that just one date is a minor blip on the radar of your terrible life choices and doesn't need to be a "thing". But what if you live in a city where there are no grown people to be found? Just an endless rain of adult poopy diaper babies shouting "WAHHH WIPE MY BUTT!" into the darkness. Don't fret! let this shirt be your unbrella! At a party and that person you got coffee with just once won't stop making giant exaggerated arm gestures from across the room? Point at your shirt! Getting weird text messages at three in the morning saying things like "well I guess you are one of those sorts of people"? Send a cool selfie of your shirt! Someone you went to a movie with once in December of last year keeps standing weirdly close to you at karaoke and then gets all mad when you sing "Violet" by Hole? Yeah I don't know what to tell you, you should probably buy this shirt though.

 

 

"U Don't Have 2 Talk 2 Me" Racerback all over print tank

You are waiting for the bus, or maybe grabbing an after work drink. Maybe you are at the Planned Parenthood with your feet in the stirrups. You see them, they see you. You recognize them, maybe they are a regular customer at your job, or someone you have been introduced to causally a few times. Maybe its someone you got in a fight with on the internet recently. Maybe it's your ex-boyfreinds childhood friend looking down at you with some forceps in her hand at the Planned Parenthood. You know you both know who each other are, and you know you both don't really have anything to say to each other. Societies' pressure to be "polite" tells us that we have to engage in small talk in these situations or we are "rude". But are we? Sometimes a simple head nod will suffice and everyone can move on with their lives. It's hard to break social contracts, so why not make it easier with this tank top? Once one or both parties realize that they don't have to talk you may find yourself in a considerate comfortable silence. Now, was that really so hard?

 

 

"Everyone Here Has Slept With Each Other" Pom Beanine  

Do you work at a restaurant?  Do you belong to a large friend group with a long history?   Are you part of a small niche community? Maybe you preform stand up comedy? Or maybe your personality is bland yet completely insufferable at the same time so you are in an improv troupe? Did you live in a "commune"? Do you play in a band? Do you play on a cross country team? Do you work at a small business? Do you work for an activist organization? Do you work at a church camp?

Buy this beanie to let anyone new that shows up "Hey, things are already weird. It's never going to get less weird."

 

"We Only Talk Online" Baseball tumblr-t

We have tiny computers in our pockets. There are so many new and exciting ways to communicate with people without actually having to smell them. As one of the most outspoken champions of the anti-eyecontat movement I will say that this is a vast improvement to the days where you had to hear a person mouth breathing in oder to tell them what you think about their politics. We have whole new categories of relationships where there used to only be one or two, (three if ya nasty, or like, super religious, so still nasty).

For example: 

  • Friend's girlfriend you only met once but you always like each others Intstagram posts. (but also WHY WONT YOU LET ME HANG OUT WITH YOU GIRLFRIEND!?)
  • Person you have long correspondence with on OkCupid but have no intention of ever dating.
  • An old roommate's mom who added you on Facebook and is always posting pictures of her dogs.
  • Person who stars every single one of your tweets no matter what.
  • Terrible trash person you refuse to hide on social media because their human tragedy makes you laugh more than it makes you angry.
  • Thirsty person who blows up all your shit at once and you just sort of let be because you are too poor to donate to charity.
  • Person you made friends with on LiveJournal in 2002 and have followed from platform to platform ever since. (But seriously one of my old LJ buddies got married a couple of years ago, because I am old and I am dying oh god I have wasted my lifeeeeeeeeeeeee)

All these relationships have value. A value that only applies to the internet. IRL, not so much. Wear this shirt to make it clear, "I think you are cool, but this is a strictly online thing 😉

 

 

"Stop Creeping On My Friends, We All Hate You" French Poochie Mama Canvas Tote Bag

Hi. Hello. Yeah. You. Do you think women who are friends don't talk to each other or something? Like its a thing we just fabricated to help lubrcaite plots in unimaginative straight breeder porn? Like we have a millon photos with each other on Facebook and are constantly hanging out. Did you really think we weren't going to text each other as soon as you start getting hella gross? Like, we aren't just randomly orbiting space derbies, it turns out that like minded people want to be around each other. If something you pulled was awful to one of us, do you really think the rest of the squad is going to be down? Do you know what a screenshot is? Do you suffer from some sort of memory problem? Have you ever gotten checked for early onset alzheimer's? I mean, I guess we should thank you for giving us such great fodder for some seriously well crafted inside jokes. You are like a drunk suburban white boy doing a hip-hop song at karaoke: funny in a car wreck way for about a minute, but then everyone is over it real fast and leaves to go smoke. Nobody likes you, okay bye.

Any way, buy this bag I guess.

 

 

" Everyone Knows What You Did" Classic karmic revenge-t.

sorry bout' it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

xo

Unemployment Watch updates whenever, but feel free to donate money to our esteemed and beloved sole author/fashion designer Katie Rose Leon.